Monday, May 24, 2004

Well, it's almost 6.30pm now. Time to go home. I have been thinking. Now that the house is done, I am kinda relieved. All the important things are in place. The reno, the furnitures, a/c, the touch ups, my desk, pc, etc. Now I am back to the boredom. I guess I really need to have something to do, to keep this mind occupied or I will start to be sien and start to think of some stupid shit things to do.

However, stupid shit things are stupid shit things. They do nothing except to occupy you for like 1 to 2 days. And they cost money. I have to be wiser now. Better to be sien than do stupid stuff that drain the pocket, eh?

Got a wedding invite from a fellow colleague, Joey (not his real name of course). Another one bite the dust... he's a comrade, always seeking for true love, like I do and I guess he has finally found *the one*. Some people are just so lucky.

Some of us, are, just sien.

I need a goal.. a aim... I need a reason to this thing call life. What is my goal now? What's my aim?

I wish I knew.

I need problems to solve.

Maybe I should really consider the AU thingy again.

Oooops.. am I implying that it has been on hold? Well, not really. The fact is that it has gotten harder and harder to just drop everything and start all over. 3 years ago, when I was still planning the move, it was still feasible. I have no liability, job was sucky, pay was bad, life was pretty bad. All my friends are happily married and I was not. All these stuff tend to bring one down - It was a heavy burden - heavy psychologically.

Now, I have a mortgage. Job was still sucky but at least it was properly compensated. Life, for the family and myself, has improved tremendously. However, it is still directionless. Still no goals. However, to drop everything and start all over in AU may not help alleviate it. I think that it would be a lousy deal. Imagine flipping burger with only $1000 per month? Or doing operator/support work for $2000. I have to pay rent and to pay the mortgage at home. Probably have to take train to work, eat home-made sandwiches because it's too expensive to eat outside. Can't afford to buy the games as they don't sell pirated stuff. Is this worth it?

On the other hand, it is an experience worth trying. After all, I only live once. I bet I'll regret it, 20 years down later when I looked back and found that I was still in MY. I have had many regrets.. I hope this is not one of them. 3 years ago, I remember being very afraid of spending the rest of my life in one country. Imagine living in this shithole KL for 70 years! I don't want to look back and regret. I don't want to look back, knowing I had a chance to change, and I didn't take it. I am really scared. ARRGGH! HOW? HOW? HOW?

Sigh..

Something to ponder in the still of the night, tonight.

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